"Farce of the Penguins"

**

The few funny moments offered here come no where close to making up for the massive shortcomings. There are jokes that repeat themselves out into infinity, there is stock footage so grainy it's sometimes hard to tell what you're looking at, and there are individual shots used over and over of the penguins, sometimes representing different characters. Let's be honest, a movie that's not easy to look at is not easy to watch. Throw in the most ill-conceived musical numbers ever put on film and you end up with something nearing unbearable.

What saved this from one star were the self referential moments. Penguins talking to the narrator about being unsure who's talking and when (just as we are much of the time), and the direct March of the Penguin references.

And oh yes, I must say, the voice of Tracy Morgan makes comedy die. He's not nor has ever been funny, and I'll never understand why he has a career.

"Grindhouse: Double Feature"

*****

I can't begin to describe how sad I was at the thought that the work of utter brilliance I witnessed in theaters would be forever sundered and shut away. Here it is, the work of true craptacular glory envisioned by the directors. Mr. Tarantino and Mr. Rodriguez have crafted a masterpiece, with a little help from a few friends. The two movies just work better in their shorter run times: they are fast paced, exciting, funny as hell, and a real gory good time. At just over three hours this movie is an undertaking, but if you sit through it you will be well rewarded. I actually stood when it was over and gave a standing ovation, something I have never done in a movie theater before, and probably never will again! If you've only ever seen the split versions of these films you should certainly check them out again in their true form. It is a glory of glories!

"The Forbidden Kingdom"

***

Very soon after this movie began I was aware of a problem. I found myself distracted at times while viewing. The story is formulaic, a sort of martial arts Wizard of Oz, but formulas can be played well, so that wasn't the problem. The movie, as directed by Rob Minkoff of The Lion King and the Stuart Little movies, can't seem to decide what it wants to be. Is it a great epic or a silly, slightly crude family movie. Over the course of nearly 2 hours it veers madly between these two very different genres, creating a film wherein a huge, sweeping shot of the heroes marching through a vast desert is followed by Jet Li peeing on Jackie Chan's head.

Which brings us to the masters. What Li and Chan do here is wonderful. It is admittedly fun to watch the pair show off, especially in the fight between the two, where each gives a display of various styles of combat. If it all seems easy for them, it still makes it no less fun to watch. If you're a fan of either Li or Chan, or both (like me), then I recommend this movie. If not, then I say view at your own risk.

"Lady in the Water"

*****

I can honestly say I have never in all my life been more shocked by the negative reaction to a movie. This film has practically become a punch-line, and that's just not fair. What we have here is a small, sweet, beautiful movie. I'll admit right now it's rather odd, with unusual characters that seem fairly unrealistic, but what people seemed to miss is that was kind of the point. Shyamalan has crafted for us a modern bedtime story, a fable, a fairy tale, complete with oddballs and archetypes.

The grounded, shining heart of this movie is Paul Giamatti. As Cleveland the maintenance man he is tragic and enchanting, a man who has completely lost his way in life until Story, the titular "Lady", shows up and allows him to find who he really is. This is a film about finding one's place in life, and living up to the responsibilities that place may grant you or thrust upon you. It is sad, but it is also uplifting, with a score by James Newton Howard that ranks among the best film scores I've ever heard.

I have no problem telling you this movie made me cry, several times. And we'll just forgive Shyamalan his little poke at film critics, modeling the most one-dimensional character he's ever created after them. This is his best work, and if you go in with an open mind and accepting nature, you should be rewarded.

"The Evil Dead"

*****

Great directors can use everything to their benefit, even a low budget. In Evil Dead we see on display massive innovation and a heavy level of fearlessness. Sam Raimi and his cast were not afraid to take everything WAY over the top. The result is funny, yes, but it'll also make you jump, gross you out, and at times just creep you out. Even the camera work, the odd angles, the EXTREME close-ups, the fast moving Point-of-view cam, displays this innovative fearlessness. Not for every taste, I'll admit, but if you enjoy plain old gory fun, this one is not to be missed!

"10,000 B.C."

*

I am a fan of this director's work. That makes the steaming pile of pig slop he squatted out here all the more upsetting. I'm also a big fan of fantasy, and have little problem accepting presented scenarios when all those around me find plausibility stretching thin. But the thought that in a few days time travelers could move from snowy peaks to warm, lush jungles to dry, arid desert makes me jump up and yell now wait just one damn minute! Throw in an isolated tribe that's more multi-ethnic and multi-accented with more people with gleaming, perfect teeth than a Starbucks in Times Square and my BS meter is way in the red zone. Then there's the contacts the lead girl wears. Come on, they couldn't find a girl who actually had blue eyes? Is there a shortage of blue-eyed women? And don't even get me started on the inane plot. I have never in my life been more disappointed by a movie. Easily the worst film of 2008, and maybe one of the worst ever.

"Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby"

*

I loathe Will Ferrell and find Nascar boring, so when a friend said "Let's watch 'Ricky Bobby,'" I of course said, "okay." Two hours of torturous pain ensued. I learned my friend was a European elitist who paid money for the opportunity to torture someone, and I was his unsuspecting victim. Yes, watching this was like being stuck in my own Hostel style torture-porn flick.

To Will Ferrell, "funny character" seems to mean "insufferable jackass." And honestly, seeing real talent like Amy Adams, Michael Clarke Duncan, and John C. Reilly wasted on this trash just hurt. Admit it. It was painful. Yes, you can cry on my shoulder.

Oh, and if you're one of the lucky few who haven't seen this one, please, for the love of all that is holy and of your brain cells, skip it. Skip it right into a lake, and let it sink there, mingling with the sludge.